I Still Ain't Over You, But I Will Be Soon

How long is too long when it comes to getting over someone? Is there a certian time period when it finally becomes easy to look, hear, or even think about the person without feeling some bit of hurt? I do not know. I have not figured it out. Some times people say three months, give a little, take a little. But I am not so sure a certain time period can be put on getting over heartbreak. Some times I do not think that it ever goes away other times it feels like I can be completely over it.
Others always seem to be trying to convince us that it is time to move on. They believe that you have had your time to greive and get over everything, but who really knows how you felt/feel or the things that were said between you and the other person. I feel like I, at some points, am falling to pieces. The song Breakeven by the Script seems to sum it up completely. "And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok, I'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces." In a relationship there always seems to be a person who cares for the other more, and it really sucks when you realize that it is you who cares more. How can he seem to be perfectly fine, when I seem to be crumbling behind my facade. It makes me wonder if he ever cared at all.
Why are relationships so hard? I do not get how everyone including him tells me that I have done nothing wrong, just for some reason he is not smart enough to get it. Although being told you were right gives us a glimpse at hope, knowing that for some reason he still did not chose you hurts. When he says it was nothing you did, it is all me. It is hard not to think that you did something wrong; that in some way you are some how not good enough for him because he does not seem to think so. Why do we put our worth in the person we seem to care about the most and then when they do not chose us any more we shut down and our heart breaks. That is exactly what happened to my heart, it is broke.
I have come to realize though that putting my worth into a person that ends up being ok with breaking your heart is not right. I have decided to pick up the pieces and begin to glue them back together with God's love not what seems to be like love from a boy. The process is a hard one but the hole can be patched. It is time to let God do his patchwork on me. I am ready to be whole again and leave this grave behind. So instead of letting a break up song match my life I will let a song that declares me giving it all to God be my song.
Third Day "You are So Good to Me"


You are so good to me
You heal my broken heart
You are my Father in heaven
You ride upon the clouds
You lead me to the truth
You are the Spirit inside me
You poured out all your blood
You died upon the cross
You are my Jesus who loves me
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet, song I will sing again
You are my strong melody
You are my dancing rhythm
You are my perfect rhyme
And I want to sing forever

Poker Face: Fold or Bluff?

Retreat. When most people hear the word they think of it in military terms, as in soldiers being told to retreat because they need to run away before they lose their lives or become prisoners. Well today I feel like running away from the fight, because somehow continuing right now seems to only end in one of those options. This particular battle has gone on for way to long, and it has resulted in not only exhaustion but also disappointment. There comes a point in a situation when continuing to move forward and charge the enemy has no purpose; when the fight seems to be not worth winning in the end because after it all we can not enjoy it because we are too beaten up too. I think that in life we have to come to the realization that we aren’t going to win every battle, and we have to be ok with that. But does that mean that we should give up a battle just because it is hard? I don’t know. I haven’t figured that out yet. I do however know that sometimes when everything seems to cave in; retreating for a while to get your head back on straight and to recuperate is ok. But we all need a break once in a while especially when we feel like we need it the most. At those times seeking solitude seems to be a wonderful option, especially if the biggest problems you have are the people around you. Even if those people are the ones who you usually enjoy being around.

Packing up and leaving friends, boys, school, responsibilities, and family behind sounds perfect right now. I am sick of trying to put on my poker face for the world when on the inside I am screaming. I desire to be completely alone with God and to find comfort and rest in the strength that He offers. I am so thankful for a God who loves me no matter what and is always there when no one else seems to be. He is faithful and true.  I need to get away to focus on Him. I have never been this stressed in my life. Retreating is ok only if at some point you return to the battle ready to take it head on with full force. I mean take Jesus as an example there are several times that he went off alone to be with God and regain his focus and energy. I think that I will do the same. I haven’t quite figured out how yet but to the blog world this is my way of telling you I retreat for now.